10 years ago today, I was published for the first time: https://www.amazon.com/Legends-Dark-Crystal-Garthim-Wars/dp/1598167014
I’ve had many highs and lows over the past decade. Lots of learning experiences. Most are pretty universal and are commonly talked about, but they remain important and bear repeating. I thought I’d share one of them from my personal perspective, so here we go!
This is my big one: Your work does NOT define you or give you value. Neither does your career success, follower count, what your peers do/don’t think about you, or whether or not you’re a “name” in the industry or online. I struggled with insecurity for many years and chased after the validation that I assumed would come with those things.
When I finished my first book, I did feel a sort of validation as a guest at that year’s SDCC, backed by my publisher and there to celebrate with the rest of my team. It was so encouraging and made all the late nights and deadline anxiety seem worthwhile. When I started the second book, I would remember the excitement and, yes, validation of that convention as motivation on my most difficult days. I would constantly think, “when all of this is over, you’ll get to be with everyone you’ve worked with again and have another party!”
The situation was far different at the end of that second book. The publisher had laid off much of its work force and its business goals were in a state of flux. I emerged from my isolation and was happy to see the people I’d worked with, but the effort we had put into the project went more or less unacknowledged. After months of stress without a break, that was a real blow. I was not secure enough as a person, at that point, to know how to properly respond to it.
Over the two years that followed, I worked on some smaller projects but struggled to land anything long term. Depression inhibited steady/reliable work flow for most of 2012. There were many lost opportunities during that time which I still regret to this day. Fortunately, my current project was beginning to take shape, but at the time I saw it mostly as another chance to show, to PROVE my worth to people.
I can’t point back to one single “a-ha” moment that helped me start moving away from that line of thinking. Between the start of COTTONS and now, I’ve spent a lot of time working alone and listening to other artists share their experiences online. One artist made a comment that hit me particularly hard: if you’re not constantly putting work out there, you’re quickly forgotten. Even the moments when people do take notice are fleeting. In a weird way, this was a freeing thing to hear. I was tired of the chase, of trying to prove myself, of all of it. I had grown weary grasping for this ethereal thing that would vanish mere seconds after it was in my hands.
Instead of focusing on what might be waiting at the finish line, I’ve been growing more in my relationship with God and have been learning how to have a healthy love for myself. What I look forward to at the end of this series is not any kind of public or industry acclaim; I want to have more time to be there for and to love other people. Do I still struggle with “industry validation” issues? Absolutely. I love this project so much, and I sincerely hope others will too. If they don’t, I can’t say it won’t sting a little bit…but I feel lighter knowing that, regardless of the outcome, I’ve poured myself into work that has meant something to me and that is enough.
It is crazy to me how long ago my first book was. I am extremely grateful for the people who saw enough potential in me to give me that opportunity. My work was really rough then (I’m sure 10 years from now I’ll say the same about my current project), but you can’t help but grow the more pages you put behind you.
Do art because you love it, because it was what you were put on this earth to do…and let the chips fall where they may. I’m so excited to see where the journey takes each and every one of us. Love you all.
